(Cut to Inspector Praline.)
Praline: Hello again. I am at present still on film, but in a few
seconds I shall be appearing in the studio. Thank you.
(Cut to studio. A door opens. Inspector Praline looks round door.
)
Inspector Praline: (to camera) Hello. (he walks in followed by Superintendent
Parrot and goes to desk) Mr Milton? You are sole proprietor and owner
of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
Milton: I am.
Praline: Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad. We
want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entified
The Whizzo Quality Assortment.
Milton: Ah, yes.
Praline: (producing box of chocolates) If I may begin at the beginning.
First there is the cherry fondue. This is extremely nasty, but we can't
prosecute you for that.
Milton: Agreed.
Praline: Next we have number four, 'crunchy frog'.
Milton: Ah, yes.
Praline: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?
Milton: Yes. A little one.
Praline: What sort of frog?
Milton: A dead frog.
Praline: Is it cooked?
Milton: No.
Praline: What, a raw frog?
(Superintendent Parrot looks increasingly queasy.)
Milton: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from
Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and
then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk
chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.
Praline: That's as maybe, it's still a frog.
Milton: What else?
Praline: Well don't you even take the bones out?
Milton: If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy would it?
Praline: Superintendent Parrot ate one of those.
Parrot: Excuse me a moment. (exits hurriedly)
Milton: It says 'crunchy frog' quite clearly.
Praline: Well, the superintendent thought it was an almond whirl.
People won't expect there to be a frog in there. They're bound to think
it's some form of mock frog.
Milton: (insulted) Mock frog? We use no artificial preservatives or
additives of any kind!
Praline: Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete
the words 'crunchy frog', and replace them with the legend 'crunchy
raw unboned real dead frog', if you want to avoid prosecution.
Milton: What about our sales?
Praline: I'm not interested in your sales, I have to protect the general
public. Now how about this one. (superintendent enters) It was number
five, wasn't it? (superintendent nods) Number five, ram's bladder cup.
(exit superintendent) What kind of confection is this?
Milton: We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder,
emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds whipped into a fondue
and garnished with lark's vomit.
Praline: Lark's vomit?
Milton: Correct.
Praline: Well it don't say nothing about that here.
Milton: Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium
glutamate.
Praline: (looking) Well I hardly think this is good enough. I think
it would be more appropriate if the box bore a large red label warning
lark's vomit.
Milton: Our sales would plummet.
Praline: Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionery,
like praline or lime cream; a very popular flavour I'm led to understand.
(superintendent enters) I mean look at this one, 'cockroach cluster',
(superintendent exits) 'anthrax ripple'. What's this one, 'spring surprise'?
Milton: Ah - now, that's our speciality - covered with darkest creamy
chocolate. When you pop it in your mouth steel bolts spring out and
plunge straight through-both cheeks.
Praline: Well where's the pleasure in that? If people place a nice
chocky in their mouth, they don't want their cheeks pierced. In any
case this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have
to ask you to accompany me to the station.
Milton: (getting up from desk and being led away) It's a fair cop.
Praline: Stop talking to the camera.
Milton: I'm sorry.
(Superintendent Parrot enters the room as Inspector Praline and Milton
leave, and addresses the camera.)
Parrot: If only the general public would take more care when buying
its sweeties, it would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the nation
and they would spend less time having their stomachs pumped and sitting
around in public lavatories.
Announcer: The BBC would like to apologize for the extremely poor
quality of the next announcement, only he's not at all well.
Parrot: We present 'The
Dull Life of a City Stockbroker'
W
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| S E A R C H
