Page 1 – Headlines:
ENQUIRY AT THE IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE
The disappearance of a Muggle “tube train” led to the suspension of a Ministry of Magic employee. [Cornelius Fudge is incidentally revealed as a Gobstones fan.] The unnamed Daily Prophet reporter revealed that the offender was the Minister’s nephew, Rufus Fudge, who did it for a bet. The Muggles did not notice that the train had gone missing.
CELESTINA WARBECK CONCERT CAUSES BROOM SMASH OVER LIVERPOOL
There was a three-broom crash over the River Mersey of late ticket holders for the concert.
TROLL RIGHTS MOVEMENT OUT OF CONTROL
An anti-troll meeting was invaded by Troll Rights activists. Careless club swinging by the trolls knocked out their own spokeswitch.
Separate box contains a reference to an editorial on page 11 (not included) entitled “WHY THE JOKE’S ON THE MINISTRY, NOT THE MUGGLES“.
Page 2 – Classified Advertisements:
- “Hit-witch or wizard” for the Magical Law Enforcement Squad
- Assistant Manager at Flourish & Blotts
- Junior Potions Mixer at Madam Primpernelle’s salon
- Dragon Feeders for Gringotts Bank
- Office Worker for the Society for the Tolerance of Vampires
- Broomstick, Shooting Star
- Broomstick, Silver Arrow
- Secondhand cauldrons
- Chudley Cannons memorabilia – fan making “clean break”
- Collected works of Gilderoy Lockhart
- Hothouse herbs – bouquets of henbane and belladonna, potted mandrakes
- Muggle “batteries” collection – being sold by A. Weasley
- Muggle Guards – device shrieks when touched by a Muggle
- Secondhand Quidditch balls
- Shy sorcerer seeks wicked witch
- Warlock into Transfiguration seeks like-minded witch
- Quiet witch seeks non-bat owning wizard
- Crazy sorceress seeks wacky wizard
- Egmont Elvert Hobday – a son for Violetta and Hilliard
- Griselda Harmonia Jorkins – a daughter for Primrose and Albert and sister for Grimwold and Granville
Advertisement: Transfiguration Today magazine
Page 3 – Sports:
- Ballycastle Bats lead the league with 760 points.
- Chudley Cannons are at the bottom of the table with 230 points.
Forthcoming matches listed are:
- Wimbourne Wasps v Holyhead Harpies, Exmoor
- Chudley Cannons v Wigtown Wanderers, Bodmin Moor
- International friendly: Scotland v Transylvania
- BATS SURVIVE THE TORNADOS – surprise Ballycastle Bats win over former league leaders Tutshill Tornados.
- Maddock blamed for Kestrels win – Montrose Magpie’s Chaser, Alasdair Maddock, lost the game against Kenmare Kestrels because he tried again using techniques from Muggle football during the match.
- Chaos Reigns on Exmoor for Falcons & Pride of Portree – Ministry’s invisibility spell on stadium leads to confusion as no one can see the pitch or the opposing team.
- Wilda wallops the Wigs – Chaser Wilda Griffiths, poached from the Holyhead Harpies, wins game against Wigtown Wanderers for new team Puddlemere United.
- Cannons Didn’t Lose Shock – Chudley Cannons draw their game against Caerphilly Catapults, breaking a 16-game losing streak.
Calendar and Dates
Although the date printed on DP2 is 8 February 1999, the timeframe for these events is 1992-1993.
Interesting facts and notes
The Liverpool concert that the injured Celestina Warbeck fans were rushing to catch was part of her "Flighty Aphrodite" tour (Pm).
‘Alasdair made a simple mistake, which admittedly cost us the match and made us slip to third place in the League. I am quite sure, however, that nothing like this will happen again. He will certainly be unable to kick the Snitch if I turn him into a jellyfish, which is the sort of simple mistake I might allow myself one of these days.’ - Cormack McLeod, manager of the Magpies, speaking about Alasdair Maddock, a Chaser who is becoming overly fond of Muggle sports
Deaths: Warlock Demetrius J. Prod
November 27th, very noisily at home after an argument about the washing-up. Sadly missed by wife Elsie.
For Sale: Muggle ‘batteries’ – collection has grown too large to house, any reasonable offer accepted. Contact A. Weasley, Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office, Ministry of Magic.
‘It was only supposed to be a bit of fun. ....Rufus wanted to see how long it would take the Muggles to notice that one of their trains had gone into a tunnel and not come out again, so we took bets round the office. Rufus won; he said it would take ages and he was right. Seems it happens all the time. Took the Muggles an hour and a half to realize the train had vanished into thin air.’
- Brevis Birch
- Barnabus Blenkinsop
- Lennox Campbell
- Mervyn Fenwick
- Rufus Fudge
- Wilda Griffiths
- Alastor Gumboil
- Hobday family
- Egmont Elvert Hobday
- Hilliard Hobday
- Violetta Hobday
- Jorkins family
- Albert Jorkins
- Granville Jorkins
- Grimwold Jorkins
- Griselda Harmonia Jorkins
- Primrose Jorkins
- Aidan Kiely
- Artemius Lawson
- Cormack McLeod
- Madam Primpernelle
- Demetrius J. Prod
- Elsie Prod
- Heliotrope Willis
Issue 2 — Daily Prophet newsletter 2
Tags: anger arguments balls betting births black blood blue club concerts confusion control death threats deaths disappear dishes draw employment fight jokes league table lose magazine match mysterious obituary peace rights riot sale security sports thrills trains win work